Guilt is such a funny word....Food for the soul?

Well, I haven't been on here in about a week or so and I had started writing something but never completed it. About a week ago I was reading a book titled, "It's My Life Now." This book is about abusive relationships and the affect it can have on the victim of the abusive relationship, as well as identifying the abuse whether it be emotional, physical, verbal, or sexual.  I've been reading this book on and off over the past few months to help me cope with my past relationship and to also realize that the guilt I feel is not due to any of it really being my fault, but because this guilt was given to me from the start of the relationship with "Jerk." To think about it, Jerk made me feel guilty before we started our committed relationship when I said to him, "You know its ok for you to see other people while we are seeing each other so we don't rush things and can be sure we want to be with each other." Jerk's response to all of this was, "Well you are the only one I'm seeing so I would expect the same from you." From the beginning of the relationship I was made to feel guilty and I guess that is something that was hard for me to initially see when we first started dating.

Guilt is a funny word isn't it? Its one that festers long after you've broken up with someone whether it was a semi-good relationship or a relationship that turned bad, which is what happened to me. We as a human race always feel guilty about something. Think about it...We feel guilty if we ate too much food in one day, if we didn't go to the gym, if we felt like we didn't study enough for an exam or if we weren't nice to a particular person. Guilt is something we all experience at some point in our lives. It is one of those sneaky emotions that gets inside your head and makes you sometimes re-evaluate your self-worth as a person.

Guilt after relationships end sometimes make you think "Were you good enough?" or it makes you consider the "what if's" What if I changed this about me or with if I did everything he wanted me to do....would he have still loved me?" The answer that is staring blaringly in my face is "NO!" Even if I had changed, even if I did everything he wanted me to, the relationship would have ultimately ended because we were not right for each other. Another book I read said, "It's a break up because its broken" and that is absolutely correct. There was too much going wrong with the relationship and ultimately wrong with him that shows me I would have just been miserable. When I think logically about it all, he was not good enough for me. If he was right for me, if he was the one, he would have realized he missed out on someone who was really a great person and who really loved him. If he truly cared and loved me, he would have also not treated me the way he did.

So what to do with this guilt? Guilt is tough but I know one of those feelings that can go away with time. So right now at this particular time I am letting go of my guilt very slowly but surely. I am trying to live life to its fullest so to say. I'm going out with different people, going out dancing which I love doing and trying to work my way up to doing new things every day! I'm trying to feed my soul with things that make me feel good about me rather than replacing "Jerk" with someone else to fill that void. Filling that void with someone else is difficult, but something I am getting better with time!

As a side note, I thought it would be cool to post some fun things I've done over the past few weeks that have helped me feel good about me:

1) Latin night with one of my good friends (Kristen) and a few mutual friends! Dancing the night away to merengue, bachatta, and salsa made me feel free and happy!
2) Getting ice cream at Ben and Jerry's (Free Cone Day) with one of my good friends (Stef)
3) Movie night/sleepover at one of my friend's house while watching "Black Swan"
4) blaring my favorite tunes while driving to work!
5) Hanging out with new people and really getting to know them!
6) Shopping day with some cool people!

Until next time, there will be more to come that I can hopefully add to the list!
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative

What these words mean to me....


Balance:

That which is of the up most importance in life…
Balance in work, play, and in everyday activities
Balance to stay sane and not over indulge
Balance: a state of equilibrium and calm.

 Change:

One of the main components of Counseling.
Change is something you do when you notice an issue or problem
Change is something within yourself that you believe is worthy to resolve.
Change is never ending and helps us grow as human beings.

 Live, Love, Laugh:

Live life to its fullest.
 Live life with no regrets.
Live life like in Gestalt therapy.
 Live like you were dying.
Love as you have never loved before,
And
Laugh at the little things in life.
Be stupid.
Be silly,
And
Live in the moments instead of the past or future.

 Dream:

Dreams are to hope,
Dreams are to gain the impossible, the unattainable,
Dreams make you see what you want to come true within your own life.

 Relax:

To be able to breathe,
To be able to sigh with relief when you have accomplished a huge project,
To not have a care in the world,
To be able to reflect and enjoy the little and meaningful things in your life,
To sit back in a chair and look at the sun set.

 Inspiration:

That which makes us get up in the morning and want to live
That which facilitates growth
That which opens our hearts to endless possibility.

 Grow:

Never ending,
Progressively learning,
Understanding,
Changing,
Never settling,
But
Wanting to better yourself in every way possible.

 Strength:

The ability to overcome life’s challenges and obstacles,
 To be resilient,
To use that strength within yourself to help others overcome their problems.
Life’s problems give people the strength to handle something even greater.

 Laugh:

 An emotion which makes us happy,
An emotion that lets us see the positive in everyday life.
Laughter is being able to cry while simultaneously getting an ab workout.
Laughter makes life worth living.
Laughter is about seeing people’s quirks and weird behavior.
Laughter is about being able to see humor in yourself.

 Ask, Believe, Receive:

“Ask”
Is to take risks,
To put yourself out there,
To gain an understanding of that which you don’t know

“Believe”
To have faith in what people tell you,
To have faith in the unknown,
To trust in a concept

“Receive”
To gain advice,
To gain materialistic items,
To gain compliments,
To gain money,
To gain love,
To gain happiness,
To gain wisdom,
To gain knowledge,
From another person.

 Play:

An activity that one enjoys,
Something that separates a person from work,
That which a person can escape and be themselves,
That which a person can engage in with other people
That which can help us get to know people on a more personable level,
That which allows you to have fun after working hard.

 Breathe:

To be able to take a step back from reality and focus on what is happening in the present,
To not think about anything else but what you are doing while you are doing it,

To relax and meditate.

 Listen:

As in the Ivey,
Questioning, Encouraging, Paraphrasing, Reflecting on people’s feelings,
And
Summarizing statements from clients,
Being able to hear what other people tell you
And
Then helping them find their own answers.

 Success:

That which gives us meaning and importance in life.
Success is not about the paycheck or about having a million dollars.
It’s about making a difference in the world.
Success is being able to see what you want out of your life,
Going after it
And then receiving it.

 Peace:

A state of calm,
No tension,
No fighting,
No wars,
That which we want with the whole world.

 Believe:

 To have faith in what people tell you,
To have faith in the unknown,
To trust in a concept

 Hope:

To never stop believing,
To think that good will come no matter what,
To think the near impossible is the possible,
To see the smallest fraction of possibility and view it as a great possibility.

 Faith:

To believe in someone,
To trust those around you,
To believe that people are capable of anything no matter how difficult or challenging.

 Imagine:

 Seeing endless possibility,
Seeing that which doesn’t exist,
And
Then seeing more.

 

The past, it's demons and the hope to come!

Well here I am starting this journal off and suddenly I am at a loss of words because I don't know where to begin... but here it goes...

I started writing in a journal when I was in high school and wrote in it almost every day, whether it was about boys I was interested in, or what was going on at home, or whether I had something horrible happen, or something good happen. I would write sporadically and then look back on what I wrote and automatically know what I was feeling at that particular moment. (good or bad) When I would look back on those moments I would take those moments as a learning experience and really get to see how much I had grown since then. Since then, I have sort of lost touch with writing particularly because of time and also because I would spend that time pouring out my thoughts to friends rather than on a page.

Now, today at the age of 23 finishing up graduate school I thought it would  be a good idea to start writing again  because it not only gets my thoughts out, but because when I used to write it made me feel better and made me let go of all of those negative thoughts that I was having even after I had exhausted my friends and family with my repetitive stories and complaints..:P

To start off I am writing in this journal to work out my feelings to realize that I am my own person. I am responsible for my own life, my own happiness, and that those who have hurt me in the past are in the past. Those people don't define me or my worth, which is something I have been having a difficult time with over the past three months. The feeling of guilt, resentment, betrayal, and also the feeling of being unloved and not good enough is what I feel at times. I know that these thoughts are not true, that I am worth it, but sometimes it is still hard especially with the amount of hurt that people leave with you when you date them and it then its over. At least know I am doing much better than I was in January and can honestly say I have the best friends anyone can have and that I am beginning to get out there and see other people who have also confirmed what I said before that, "I am worth it."

It has been three months since my boyfriend of a year and a half, I'll just call him "Jerk" (to be nice) broke up with me. Jerk and  I met through mutual friends a year and a half ago and were instantly into each other. I felt an instant attraction with him that I hadn't felt before because in my past, the guys I had dated, I was friends with initially and didn't have a physical attraction with them as much. My connection with them was more on an emotional level, where as with jerk I felt this "I want to rip your clothes off" attraction. He was in a band, he played guitar, he was dark, handsome, Italian. He was everything I never dated that I thought I wanted, My initial thought of him was he seems cocky, but it was that sense of cockiness and I guess "assholeness" that many of us girls are attracted to, that made me so attracted to him. I know silly.... but I fell in love with him pretty quickly and the first six months were great. He was so loving, so thoughtful, and caring that I was sure I was going to marry him. He made me feel special and made me feel like I was definitely the right one for him.

As time went on things started to become noticeably different. Jerk became very jealous, possessive and controlling. Things started out slowly with me not picking up my phone on time, or not enough. Guilt was a huge factor in all of this. I was made to feel guilty when I didn't pick up my phone. Then it was that I wasn't able to talk to certain people who were my friends, one of them being an ex who I was still good friends with. Jerk began to get upset at the drop of the hat especially if things weren't done his way or if I wasn't enthused about what he wanted to do. (i.e- playing around on his guitar when I'm at his house while I just sit there wanting to do something as a couple with him). Jerk isolated me from certain friends or got mad when I was doing things with other people. He made me feel guilty when I wanted to go out and have a drink or go out and dance which was something I enjoyed doing on occasion before we had dated.  Things began to get worse and worse as the relationship went on but I felt like if only I got rid of certain things or considered his feelings more he would stop and things would get better. Things never got better no matter what I gave up (dancing, going out for a drink with friends). Everything that went wrong in our relationship was my fault according to him, everything was my doing, and only if I stopped doing things that he didn't like, would he stop according to him. Towards the end of the relationship Jerk began withholding affection and love from me as well as totally disregarding my feelings. When I would cry he said I was being a "drama queen." It got so bad that I had to ask him to hug me when I was upset. It is weird because the more I got denied the more I wanted him. It was like a sick obsession that I didn't know how to get rid of.

Eventually, Jerk broke up with me twice, the first time pathetically I went down to see him because he prefaced it with its not something he had to do to make it better but was something I had to do. We got back together and things never got better, it was all about his feelings and that he didn't have to be loving towards me or he only had to show love when he wanted to. Basically by the end I was crying almost every night and hating myself because I didn't know what I was doing that made it impossible for him to love me. When he did break up with me again he told me I wasn't worth it and that I stress him out and that he was talking to someone who had similar interests in a not so nice way....a few curse words could have been thrown in there. Before that second time of breaking up I had been trying to find ways of breaking up with him but couldn't so when he did I vowed to myself to never go back with him. I didn't and it was tough because with the weeks following he called me and messaged me saying how he had made a mistake that I was the one...etc. I couldn't take him back because in my head I knew it wasn't going to get better even though my heart wanted it to.

So as I had said before its been three months and I think I am beginning to find myself again even though some days are hard. I had what I thought my whole life was going to be, set. I was going to graduate with my masters move back home and then not too long afterward get engaged to Jerk and live a life with him. Little did I realize that during that time I didn't really know myself. I had lost a part of myself. I had given so much up for him, things that I enjoyed doing, things that made me, me, were gone.

Now is just an adjustment period, a period of time I haven't had really ever since I was sixteen. The last time I was single was before I was sixteen; therefore being on my own, without a boyfriend, without a significant other has been difficult but has also shown me that its a time where I can learn from myself and learn from the experiences that are ahead. Am i scared? yes, because I still have the voice in my head at times that says, "What if you don't meet the right one? What if you don't have a great connection with someone?" What if the people you are seeing right now are right for you but you realize it too late?" I guess those are the thoughts that haunt me but that I realize I will work through as time passes.

Until next time, I am hopeful for what lies ahead and in just living life for what I have now! :)